I tell it to the darkness (The public part)

This entry has been a long time coming, a very long time. I have put off writing about everything for so long that now I’m realizing what a daunting task it is going to be. I think the best way for me to go about it is to make sub-headers instead of talking about things chronologically as I normally do. I also think that I will have to split this up into two entries: One public and one private. There are things I need to write about that I just can’t talk about to everyone. Either it will make some people think badly of me, or it will hurt someone’s feelings. My purpose for writing is usually a combination of needing to spill everything out for myself, needing to tell people what’s going on in my life, or also just to keep record of my life.

Where have I been

So, my entry before this was rather sudden and unexplained. In a way, I just said, “Screw everyone, I’m going away.” And that’s pretty much what I did. It is one of those strange things that loneliness can actually cause a person to push people away. Actually, the main reason I left was something I forgot about. I had to look back and read a bit to jog my memory as to why I suddenly lashed out. So, I thought that it had a lot to do with the events leading up to the beginning of December ’06 (Meaghan/Betty). I imagine that did have a lot to do with it. It had also had to do with that someone I mentioned in”Mind Too Full” that I said I liked. Well, I feel rather juvenile for even talking about it here. It is a case where she says she is my friend. Every time I see her she says that we need to do something. Then, anytime I try to talk to her or plan something, she ignores me. That in itself is fine. If someone ignores me alone, I don’t have so much of a problem with it. If a girl does not like me or want to be my friend, that is acceptable. It is the dishonesty. It is the fake politeness. Those are the things I can’t stand. “Oh Daniel! Where have you been? I’ve missed you so much. We need to get together and do something!” Well, you’re full of it. You have my number; I don’t have yours. I’ve tried to get a hold of you, and you don’t acknowledge my existence. The only reason you are acting excited to see me is because we happened to bump into each other at UWF. So why don’t you take your happy, cheery butt and keep walking, because you are such a fake! There is a certain politeness that is just kind of expected from Southern Americans, especially those who profess Christianity, and I understand that and conform to it; but what is the purpose of all the fluff?! Why act like we’re best friends and just lost in circumstances when that is clearly not the case? Well, obviously I am still a little bitter about this :) So, that was something that happened back in January. Combined with everything that happened before that, I just reached a point where I entered a reclusive phase. I mean, I still saw people, but I got caught up in my last term as an undergrad, and I was only seeing and talking to a select hand full of people. That was a phase I stayed in until around late March. In late March, I suddenly became uncharacteristically social and more outgoing in my own way. The blog didn’t really change much because I never got around to writing in it.

So, what happened in March?

Things that were way overdue in need of closure finally got their closure. By then, Meaghan had moved on to a different boyfriend, and Nick had moved on as well. On that note, I should clarify something in case anyone is confused. Meaghan did not break my heart. My heart has only been broken by two people, and Meaghan wasn’t one of them. With Meaghan, it was more insulting than anything else. And that’s pretty much how I feel about that. I was insulted by Meaghan with everything that had happened. That’s good though! That is a feeling that can be done away with. Meaghan and I have grown to become better friends than we were before that happened, and we tend to avoid talking about everything that happened. Everything is fine, unless things get brought up. The big thing wasn’t Meaghan though. Betty and I talked and then had a big argument. Which isn’t like us, because I tend to not tell a person how I’m feeling about a situation, hence I don’t argue. It was kind of heated. In the beginning she asked me to have lunch with her, and then it sort of went down hill when I wanted her to admit that she had a boyfriend. And it went on ranging from her calling me a hateful person, to me telling her she constantly leads me on, to her saying she never led me on and I can’t accept the fact that she just wants to be friends [easily refuted by the quotes I’ve put on this blog], and so on and so on. We needn’t go into great detail about the things which were said. Then we just kind of stopped talking to each other. After that, I came out of my reclusive state. Of course, most people would not have known that since I was so caught up in my coursework and projects. I wasn’t able to see very many people because I was so bogged down. I am not happy about the argument. I care about Betty and love her a great deal, much more than I do most people, but I suspect that what happened needed to happen, and the things which were said needed to be said. Since that happened, there has been very little contact between Betty and I. I do have a Myspace, which I made private. After I made it private, Betty sent me a message on June 1st [hmm] saying something along the lines of even though we aren’t together, she wanted me to know she still cares about me. I could quote it, but that’s wouldn’t be right. My response was brief. I added her as a Myspace friend so she could have access to it. I wished her a happy birthday on her birthday [June 2nd], and we haven’t talked since then. Perhaps one day the time will come when she and I can be friends, or maybe not. Who knows?

Spring Term 2007 – aka Purgatory

Well blog-wise, I completely missed my last term of college. It was a lot of work. Actually, now that I think about it, I did write about this term. I summarized all the courses I took on my Courses page. The big thing I wanna say is that Mathematical Statistics II was every bit as a pain as I thought it would have been. So, since I did write my Courses page, I shouldn’t have even had this sub-header.

Jennifer – The Old Friend

I don’t know if I have mentioned it on this blog before, but there is an old friend of mine named Jennifer that I knew in high school. We stopped talking my the middle of my Sophomore year when she dropped out of band and starting hanging with different people. I lost contact with her. Now that only things I hear about her are rumor, and the rumors I have heard haven’t been good ones. I’ve been very worried about her and have been very interested in somehow reestablishing contact with her. Last year, I tried contacting her brother to get through to her, and the result was not fun. I am lead to believe that she has sort of been shunned by her family. All my efforts to contact her have been failures. It makes me pretty sad actually. I wish I could talk to her again. We were buddies back in the day, and I have lots of memories. I just wish I knew she was okay now.

Jen[nifer] – The New One!

According to Magic (the work order queue that keeps a record of every job I have completed at work), I met Jennifer on April 10th, and that sounds about right. The GIS computer lab’s printer had broken down, and they had a temporary replacement that they needed set up. Somehow the work order had been sent to me, which had me confused (and a bit annoyed). So I went to my manager Rob, and asked why is this not Stu’s problem? Stu is normally in charge of the GIS computer lab, although I helped set it up originally. That was rather annoying too. Stu’s lab has gateway computers (I think), and each one has two LCD monitors and a custom video card that didn’t come set up. We had to open all the boxes, open all the computers, and put in the video cards. Which isn’t too complicated, but doing that same thing over and over is a pain in the butt. Rob told me that Stu has been out all term, and the lab has been managed by hired student lab technicians from that department. I didn’t know that. Rob told me to get an IP address for the new printer, set up the printer, set the IP, and make documentation for installing the printer on all the machines and let the lab techs do it their selves. Well, that last part is easier said than done. Setting up a printer on a computer lab with Windows in a multiuser environment is not very easy. You have to log in to each machine as an administrator, install the printer driver for that printer, recreate a template default user profile, set the new printer as default, and clear existing user data so that new logins will go off the new default template. And there was another issue. Experience has usually taught me (especially in the College of Arts and Sciences) that lab technicians usually don’t know what they’re doing. Their job is usually just to watch the labs and make sure nothing goes wrong, and then call the support specialist (me) if anything goes wrong. I wasn’t sure how the GIS lab was since Stu was in charge of it. The other issue was (funny) since I was not the primary support of the GIS lab, my account didn’t have administrative access to the lab! It took me a good while just to find someone who knew the administrative password! It was around that time that I met Ms. Jennifer. I was banging away on the printer (I couldn’t get the stupid thing to print), when she walked in. I don’t remember everything she said about it, but basically she needed one of the video cards out of one of the machines to mail off to some company. She was one of the lab technicians. I, being the eager to please support specialist, didn’t really ask any questions. I just got down on the floor and opened up one of the machines and pulled out the video card and gave it to her. So, I went back to banging away at the printer. I was getting very frustrated with it, and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. So, I told Jennifer that I was going to call my manager and ask him to figure it out. So, for a while, I just sat around waiting for Rob. Jennifer and I talked a little bit. I told her I was a student and what I did. When Rob came over, he couldn’t figure it out either for a while. We later realized what was going on. ITS had given us an IP address on the wrong subnet. The stupid printer wouldn’t print because it didn’t have a valid address! Rob noticed Jennifer had the video card in her hand and said, “you’re going to need a static bag for that” and then he left after I got a valid IP address. It was funny, because I was sure Jennifer didn’t just happen to have any static bags around. After Rob left, I told Jennifer I would bring her a static bag. So, I got the printer set up, and I showed Jennifer how to set them up on the computers, so I could have left… but I didn’t. Jennifer was alone, and I know how annoying and time consuming it can be to have to change an entire lab alone. So! I stayed and finished them with her. I didn’t tell her at the time, but I actually stayed longer than I was scheduled to work to help her. So, that was how I met Ms. Jennifer. Jennifer is basically awesome. She is an easy person to talk to, and she seems to take interest in the things I tell her. I actually find it odd. I don’t understand the interest. She thinks it’s neat that I’m in civic band and that I like Astronomy, and pretty much anything I tell her she listens to. Unfortunately for me, Jennifer actually lives in Fort Walton. Stu came back this summer, and Jennifer doesn’t work there anymore. I don’t really see her anymore; we just shoot messages to each other now. We’ve talked about having lunch together when she does come to Pensacola, but it never seems to work out [things come up]. Wednesday, she talked about us getting together that night and looking at the stars together, but things came up with her family, and she didn’t feel right about just leaving things. All of which is okay. I’m not too disappointed. I know how things are. She and I are talking about going to the next Astronomy club meeting together, and she plans on coming to my next concert. It is great to meet someone that has similar interests,e specially stargazing. It is something I really enjoy doing, but I don’t do it much anymore because it was always a loner thing. No one shared the interest with me. Well anyway, if she and I actually plan something instead of just trying to do things last minute, we might actually do something! LOL. She goes by “Jen”, but I prefer to call her Jennifer, hence the Jen[nifer], and she looks 23 to me!

A talk with Karen, the Biology Office Administrator

Biology recently got a new Office Administrator. The previous is retiring and moving on to San Diego. I met her yesterday (seen her before, but didn’t talk) while returning two computers which I had quickly revamped. Some people tend to be more talkative with me than others. I kind of have to fit whatever people want me to be. Some clients like to stay and talk to me while I’m working, and other tend to just leave and say nothing at all. Karen was a talker. Heh, and I can be shy that it is pitiful. She started out just asking me a ton of questions. “Are you a full time employee?” I’m a graduate student and I work part time. “Do you live in Pensacola?” “Where were you born?” “What are you studying?” And then, “Are you single?” Yes. “Are you looking for a girlfriend?” And then someone else laughed and said, “What? Are you offering?” And then I just blushed and stuttered and finally said something like, “I don’t know; I’m not on a mission or anything.” People seem to know exactly what to say to make me be shy. I’m not normally like shy, just when certain topics come up. I’m sure she wasn’t offering. I think some females just enjoy testing men’s reactions. After that, a professor walked in, and I had his laptop back in the office. He said that he was going to need it by Tuesday, and I said it should be done by then and so on. And then he left. Karen said, “Wow… you’re so nice!” I didn’t know what she meant. “He didn’t say please or thank you or anything, but you were still nice.” I told her that was just how I was raised I guess. And she said she was too, but that we grow out of that. Then she asked me how old I was, and I told her I am 21. And then she said, “Oh, that explains it. You’ll stop caring about being nice to people by time you turn 24 or 25.” I didn’t think about that statement much at the time, but I did later. I was thinking what a shame that would be. You know, I actually like that aspect of myself. Although she could be right about what she said. I could see myself being like that in a few years. I often do have a “life sucks” attitude, and people do tend to bark orders at me too much. I usually let it just roll off my back, but I might not always be like that. It has been my experience that most people tend to be nice… until they figure out what they can take from you…

The love of a friend

It was once said by my sister that I love Caddy as if she were sister. I believe that is a good way to describe it. She and I have been hanging out lately, since she is done at Tulane. Now she plans to get married in a month, and then she and Jay will move to Austin in August. She plans to get her PhD in German Linguistics at the University of Texas. She seems very happy to me, although I don’t think she likes being in Pensacola right now. I am very happy for her :) She has got me thinking about a lot of things, as usual.

I was accepted into graduate school at UWF. I was accepted without having to apply (chosen by the director). I also got a grant and a scholarship into the graduate program. I am already registered for classes in the fall, but Caddy got me thinking. Maybe it was all a mistake. Perhaps it would have been better if I had applied somewhere else and left Pensacola. Recent events have made me realize how much I desire independence. I have realized post-graduation that I do not want to live with my parents during graduate school. Not only that, but I am sick of these surroundings. The truth is that I am going to have to move eventually, rather if I want to or not. My career requires it, because Pensacola is stuck in the stone age and has no desire to get out of it. I don’t think I would have to move too far, but I am starting to wonder if I want to. I have a growing desire to leave this whole place behind. A friend of mine once told me that Pensacola is a black hole that you have to get out of. However, it looks like I will be going to graduate school here for my Master’s degree. The problem is that I want to move out, but if I do, I would want a roommate. The problem with that is that I don’t want a roommate that I don’t already know and trust. See the problem? I have a couple of ideas on how I would make that work, but I haven’t acted on them yet. It is the middle of the summer term right now, and I took this term off to relax a little bit.

One thing I have been wanted to do is to learn a bit of/about Portuguese. Unfortunately, since this whole country seems to be obsessed solely with Spanish, it had always been unlikely that I would find anything to teach it to me. I asked Caddy what she thought about it. She just said why don’t I just learn it on my own? I asked her if she thought it was possible for someone to learn a language alone. She basically said not really. She says you don’t really learn a language until you are forced to use it, as she was when she studied in Germany, but she said that since I already have experience with a foreign language that I may be able to learn enough that I would be able to read and write in it, but that I would have difficulty speaking it myself. So! I have a new project. I am going to try to teach myself Portuguese. It might be a futile attempt, but that’s fine. I like the idea of finding a new interest. Computer Science, Statistics, Astronomy, and Music apparently are not enough to keep myself occupied.

Civic Band

There isn’t a whole lot to say here, but I should probably say something about it. The last concert for the spring term was the ACB Convention at the beach back on March 3rd. I have a DVD of the performance. I think that concert went very well. I was proud of the job I did. I didn’t screw up that I can remember :) That was Patsy’s last concert; she retired. Ken also had to be back North, since he only comes here for a season. Since we were short on percussionists, I asked Kenny if he would join us for the summer concerts, since he is in town until he leaves for Law School at Mercer late next month. It has been a lot of fun spending time with him. I will definitely miss him when he leaves. We have already played one of our Seville Square concerts on May 24th. Our next and last one will be on July 19th. Even with Kenny, we are short in the percussion section, and I have been having to play parts and instruments I do not normally play. It is a bit stressful, but also a nice change of pace. I am just a bit concerned what will happen in the fall when we are really short in the percussion section. Being in civic band, I have also had the opportunity to talk to Cindy a lot more, which has been great. She’s an awesome friend, and she amuses me.

A side note of geekiness – Computer talk

I have all but ditched Windows. The only time I ever use Windows now is at work. I pretty much use openSuse Linux and MacOSX all the time now, and I have been very happy with the change. Vista has been a complete disaster. Microsoft’s adopting of Digital Rights Management and Windows Genuine Advantage has been the complete turn off for me. Not to mention that Vista is just a horrible resource pig that can’t do anything out of the box without buying [or stealing] additional more software. I really don’t need to go into why I dislike Windows so much. There are plenty of websites that I agree with that I can direct you toward. I suggest you check out two specific sources. Check out BadVista.org. If you don’t mind vulgarities, I would also suggest you watch KOST videos on YouTube. Both of these explain it just as well or better than I could. Here’s the facts: openSuse is awesome, OSX with iLife is awesome, OpenOffice.org is awesome [The new Microsoft Office 2007 blows], Mozilla Firefox is awesome, KDE is awesome, Rosegarden is awesome. Everything I have listed is more than you need to have a system that can pretty much do whatever you want right out of the box. Vista was five years in the making, and nothing has changed, except the need for more hardware.

I tell it to the darkness (The private part)

… [Paragraphs from that entry originally fit here] …

What’s all this?!

After Betty and I broke up, I was very heartbroken. There seemed to be natural reaction for me to suddenly change my appearance, and I did just that. I grew a mustache and didn’t cut my hair for nearly a year. For a whole year I didn’t even recognize myself… Later I cut my hair and shaved. It was just before I started at UWF.

Now… similarly I have grown a beard. It didn’t take long at all to grow. I was actually surprised, because my dad always said he can’t grow one. I’ve been told by many that it makes me look older. My mom, sister, and sister-in-law seem to really like it. A girl at church told me she really liked it, and that made me blush (I don’t think she noticed I blushed). So… yeah… I have a beard now. Just remember, for any men out there thinking about growing one who haven’t, some tips: Don’t grow one because you want to stop shaving. It is more time consuming to keep it neat than it is to shave. Shave your neck! If you don’t, you’ll be in for the worst itch you’ve ever experienced!

What means, “I tell it to the darkness”?

One night, I couldn’t just hold it in anymore. I had to say what I was feeling. Alone there in the pitch black darkness, I said it out loud… exactly how I felt… but there was no one there to hear it :(

And still, I tell it to the darkness.