I tell it to the darkness (The private part)

This is really the part that I have been dreading writing about. This is the part that I just can’t come to terms with making part of my public journal. There are main topics I need to talk about here.

Enter the Alicia

This topic is so confusing that I really still don’t understand most of it. I guess I’ll just go through chronologically and see how it comes out. According to Magic, I met Alicia on March 8th. Strange, it doesn’t feel like that long ago. Someone over in building 52 (College Reach Out Program) was apparently doing something they weren’t supposed to be doing. One of the computers got infected by spyware more than likely from a porn site. The work order was also submitted by a student, rather than the coordinator who should have. He did not even know about it when I showed up. A few of the girls that worked there were sitting at a table nearby while I was cleaning up the computer. One of them was Alicia. Something about the air didn’t seem right. Heh. I felt like they were talking about me. The others (not really Alicia) seemed to me to talk to me in a very flirtatious manner. I will say that it made me uncomfortable. Also keep in mind that this was before the argument with Betty I mentioned previously. Alicia talked to me. Asked questions. I was nice as usual and answered them and was social. As I said, I have to be what people want me to be as a support technician. I felt as though someone in that room had some sort of interest in me, but at the time I didn’t care to find out anything about it. I just wanted to leave because I wasn’t comfortable. So when I finished, I just left.

That wasn’t the end of it though. Otherwise, this story would suck. The next work order for building 52 was on April 12th, and yes, I am aware that was very soon after I met Jen[nifer]. It was one of those kind of weeks. So… apparently Alicia had told her coworkers that she thought I was cute, and her coworkers decided to try to set us up with each other. I was fixing a printer this time, and her friends were being the same way the were before, which makes me act very shy. Once I was done, I was going to just leave, but Alicia stopped me and asked me a question. A rather silly question too. She asked me why one of the computers in there didn’t have Internet. It didn’t take me long at all to look around the walls and see that there was no network drop around that computer. I just said, “Well, it isn’t plugged in.” And I smiled. I was on my way out again, and I was out the door, when one of the others stopped me. She said that Alicia and the others sometimes go to the movies together and asked if they could have my email address so they could invite me to go with them. I think my face probably turned into a tomato then. By then, I had figured out which one it was, and I was actually okay with that. Alicia was the one I talked to and I wasn’t so uncomfortable with her. So! I did something completely out of character: I gave her what she asked for, and then I left. According to Alicia, what was going on in her head, she figured based on my language at first that I was not interested, but then whenever I stayed and answered her questions and then talked to her and gave them my email address, she wasn’t quite so sure. And it didn’t stop there. After that I did something really, really out of character. I purposely found her on facebook and sent her a message the next day. And we kind of took off from there. In a very short amount of time, we exchange a ton of information about each other. It was really nice :) We began doing some pretty crazy things, like staying up at night talking to each other on the phone. She told me about her past, which is a bit crazy, and she was pretty worried about how I would react to it, but it didn’t really bother me. I was okay with what happened, because I admire people who grow up. I can admit that at first I wasn’t sure about her, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that I was becoming smitten by her. It didn’t matter to me that she had a past, or a two year old daughter, or that she is Catholic, or that she isn’t white (of course it doesn’t matter at all to me what race she is, but it does to some people I know). I connected with her. She was easy to talk to. I could tell her anything and she could tell me anything, and I was attracted to her and she was to me also. The first thing we decided to do face to face was have lunch together. We stayed on campus and ate at Quiznos. It didn’t go as well as I had hoped. I was so nervous that I think I just embarrassed myself. The next time we saw each other was much better though. We decided to have coffee together, and that was a much nicer setting and I was more comfortable. After we finished our coffee, she said she wanted to walk around because she doesn’t like to stay in one place. She started to walk one direction, but I suggested another, since I knew the campus much better. I took her down one of the nature trails, and it started raining, but that didn’t matter to us. So, she was a little late getting to work after our walk. I was really happy, because I was connecting to this new person, and it had been so long since I did that! So, one night she invited me to go to a “Game Night” at her apartment. It didn’t go quite like I was expecting it to. I noticed that she spent most of the night talking to another guy who was there. I chose not to think about it too much because she was the host, and that could have meant nothing. I was the last person to leave that night. Afterward, Alicia and I went out to my truck and talked a while. So! I decided to go for it and tell her how I felt about her. I wanted us to date. So I got shot down. Alicia liked the other guy she was talking to. That kind of made me feel crappy. It was very upsetting. She told me that I was the kind of guy she thought could become like her best friend, like Caddy is to me. That’s how she put it. I became silent for a while and there was just a pause. Then I felt it was time for me to go, and then I went to give her a hug goodnight, and that hug turned into us holding each other, and we did that for a quite a while. A few times I kissed her on the forehead, but nothing more. I like this girl, and I was upset that she didn’t want more. She said that she liked me but that she had to know that this other guy wasn’t the one. The next day was graduation, and I was going to be coming home pretty late. When I got home around 3AM, Alicia called me and told me she would not be going with me and my family after graduation like she had planned. Another blow. The next day, I found that I didn’t have any desire to go to my own graduation. It isn’t just Alicia, and this is what’s hard to understand. A while after Betty and I broke up, I had told myself that by time I graduated from college, I would be well over her and on to something new and wonderful, and it didn’t happen! Truthfully, on my graduation day, I felt like a total failure and I didn’t feel like celebrating. I was not going to go, but my family started crying because I was not going. I ended up going extremely last minute, but I only went to make everyone else happy, the story of my life. It should have been over then!! It would have been so much easier if that had been the end of it, but it wasn’t. There is so much more. We started talking again not too long after that. At first it was a little strange, but we got back into it in time. I offered to fix her laptop, which was in really bad shape. I had to back up her 10GB of files and redo the whole computer, and I also replaced her laptop keyboard (a $120 part which I found for about $30). And I also let her borrow my iBook while I worked on her laptop so she would have a computer to work with. Alicia and I decided to take her daughter Juliana to the Naval Museum. I had loads of fun! There were a few notable events. For one, she forgot her driver’s license, so when we got there, I had to drive her car! It was a standard, so it was good that I knew how to drive one. Another thing is that whenever we went up on the second floor, I had some trouble. I have a horrible fear of heights, and I had told her about it before. She realized it, and offered for us to back down. But I insisted that we stay up there, because I didn’t want to be the reason we didn’t go up, and because I needed to get over it for myself. As it turns out, later I would realize she didn’t like this. The last thing was that we got lost on our way out! We missed a turn and started going into forbidden areas. Luckily, we figured it out later. The next day was a Friday, and that night we ended up talking all night long. The next day was her best friend Anne’s birthday party, which was planned last minute. Apparently Anne’s party was going to be a costume party, and Alicia wanted me to go too. I told Alicia that I would, but that I didn’t have a costume. Alicia said that her and Anne were going to go costume and party shopping at 11AM and that I could come with them. So, I asked if she wanted me to come at 11, but she said no. She wanted me to come early. Something unexpected happened the night before. Some time during that night she told me something. She told me that she was thinking and that she would kiss me. I didn’t know what to say about that, so I just said that there could be much worse happen to me, and I laughed and I said I wouldn’t stop her if she tried. A few hours later approaching the morning, she told me that she had been thinking about it and that she wanted to kiss me. This was all very strange to me, but I definitely liked it. Alicia wanted me to come earlier than Anne, so I came. When I got there, we were both very tired from lack of sleep, and she offered for me to lay next to her on the futon, so I did. And, I held her. I cuddled with her, and eventually we started kissing, and then we started making out. Okay, side note! This event was actually only the third time I’ve ever made out with a girl. Kim and I never really made out, and Betty and I had only made out twice. So, here I am, laying and making out with this girl, and it was amazing. She told me she really liked kissing me, and I definitely enjoyed kissing her and the way she kissed. Anne was late. She didn’t show up at 11AM like we planned, but for a while Alicia didn’t call her or anything because we were a little busy with other things. Around noon, she finally called and Anne had overslept. Alicia and I had lunch downstairs with some of her family. They were nice people. Shopping was interesting. I noticed that I spent most of the time chasing Juliana around the store, and then she fell asleep! And it was really awesome. I got to carry Juliana while she slept. It was so sweet that she took to me. I kissed that little girl on the top of the head. She’s a sweetheart and a cutie. The party was a little strange for me. I didn’t really know anyone there. Alicia tended to be with everyone else, and there was a bit more drinking there than there had been at previous event Alicia and I did together. Alicia drank a tiny bit, not enough to even really get a buzz, but something odd was that she smoked a cigarette. She had never mentioned to me before that she ever smoked. I was under the impression that she didn’t. Once that night, Juliana got scared by something in the darkness outside, and she ran to me and grabbed me leg and I picked her up and held her. It made me feel good that she picked me to run to when she was scared. Alicia and I left the party early because Juliana was becoming a bit to handle. Alicia told me on the way back that she used to smoke but doesn’t anymore, and this was just a social thing and isn’t the norm. I told her I understood. And she asked if it was a problem and if I was going to stay a while with her at the apartment. I told her it didn’t matter to me. So… yeah… we went back to her apartment, and I stayed there for about three or four more hours. So, we went back to cuddling… and making out… and it became more than that. And therefore, I was in completely uncharted territory for me. The making out became more intense and I was doing much more than I’d ever done before. I was touching her in places I had never touched before. She was making sounds I had never made a girl sound before. And I really enjoyed it. I had fallen in love with this girl, and I was more than happy to be giving her pleasure. So we would move around, get on top of one another and everything else. And eventually, she started directing my hands, putting them where she wanted them. She put my hands down into her underwear, and I felt her. And then she took off her shorts and she was naked. It was amazing. I hadn’t ever seen a girl naked before. I didn’t really know exactly what to expect, but it was amazing. I just don’t know what words to use. How every little thing I did for her would cause a reaction. She was so beautiful. She asked me if I wanted to go to her bed. And I froze. There was a big problem, and because of it, I couldn’t give an instant response. I really want to just be in the passion, but I couldn’t. I guess I’m just not that kind of man. I was in love with this girl, and I wanted to do things for her that I had never done before, but something was in my way: We were not together. When I didn’t answer for a reasonable amount of time, she said, “I took it too far…” I told her what I wanted. I told her if she wants us to be together that I will do this tonight, but I couldn’t do this if we were not going to be together. And she told me that she didn’t want us to be together, and we talked for a while. I was so upset. And she put her shorts back on, and I cried a little. It might have been too dark for her to see me crying though. So, I left. I did not go to church the next day. I was pretty upset. And after that night, I stopped eating entirely. And I didn’t eat for five straight days, until Heather convinced me to eat again. That Tuesday, Alicia and I talked in the morning (the first we had talked since that night), and we talked about what happened. She told me that she wanted it to happen again. She said that we would not have had “real sex” because that is something she only does with a boyfriend. We talked about what happened that night. I told her what I wanted to happen, and she told me what she wanted to happen. Sort of a personal passionate kind of conversation. She told me that I would have another opportunity at it. So, I didn’t really understand it. She basically wanted us to be friends that did “things” for each other. I had never had a friend like that before. I had never thought about having a friend like that before. But it was like I couldn’t say no. I wanted this girl in any way I could have her. There was a huge problem! She wanted these things because she had urges. I wanted these things because I loved her. That Thursday something unexpected happened. She told me that she didn’t enjoy talking to me. She said that I was a hard person to talk to. She also told me that at the Naval Museum when I wouldn’t go downstairs that she felt I was being manipulative. As if I was only staying up there to make it as if she was forcing me to stay up there. That was obviously not the case from where I was standing. She told me that I was a draining person to talk to. That every time she gets finished talking to me that she just feels exhausted. She told me that we could probably be friends, but not close friends. I was very shocked. Absolutely horridly shocked. I had no idea she felt this way! We would spend times all night talking to each other! I would tell everything! And that was the moment I realized something and felt something I had only felt once before when Betty and I broke up: I was heartbroken :( Alicia had become someone I trusted, someone I cared about, someone I talked to about anything, and then someone I fell in love with… Alicia rejected me on every level. First, she said we couldn’t date, then she said we couldn’t be close friends. Rejected me on EVERY level! I could accept us not dating, but to not even be close friends. That completely ripped my heart out. So what did this girl want? She didn’t want to date, she didn’t want to be close. It was like she only wanted me to fix her computer and fill physical urges. I felt so used! But I didn’t tell her that was how I felt. I just cried and basically said it was okay and that I would be what she wanted to be. The next morning, I returned her computer, finished. It took me about 5 days to fix it. I took back my iBook. We did make out a little that morning. She told me that it was strange what she told me the night before because there was so much more she wanted to do with me. It was so upsetting, because I wanted those things too, but I knew they would never happen. I had ordered RAM for Alicia, and she came to my office the next week and I put it in for her. That was the last time I saw her, and really the last time I talked to her. That was weeks ago. I supposed I didn’t have to finish the computer, but I did. Once I tell someone I am going to do something, I do it, and I don’t do a half job of it. Once I put the RAM in for her, I knew that would probably be the end. Yesterday, she did send me a message on facebook. She said she’s been a rotten friend and asked if I wanted to have coffee with her. I have not replied yet. This wasn’t like anything I had ever felt before. I’ve only been heartbroken by Betty and Alicia. Meaghan wasn’t quite a heartbreak, and this was so different from Betty. I have talked to Caddy, Heather, Kenny, and my coworker Jeremy about all this. Kenny and Heather were both completely confused by it. Caddy was amazing in how she’s helped me. Being with Caddy seems to make things more clear. She is the reason I haven’t really tried to speak to Alicia. She told me to stop talking to her. I decided to stop calling to test something. It used to be that if I didn’t call Alicia, she would call me. I wanted to see what would happen. She hasn’t called me in coming up to four weeks. I think I know my answer. I don’t matter to her anymore. Maybe I never did. I am still really upset about these events, but I am handling it a lot better than I handled Betty. Meaghan once told me that when you have sex (or a sex-like experience) with the wrong person, you never really get over or forgive yourself until you find the right person. Then the past seems to melt away. I think she might be right, but there’s just one thing: I don’t regret have the experience with Alicia. I don’t think I regret anything. I just hate that things didn’t go the way I wanted them to, and I miss Alicia and the closeness we shared. All of these things: Meaghan and Betty last year and meeting Alicia and Jen[nifer] this year [Jennifer and I aren’t an item, but she is a new person that I’m becoming closer to]. It has really made me realize, awakened me if you will, I am a lot lonelier than I realized. Maybe I was too eager with Alicia. I might have set myself up for the fall.

A talk with Lyn – The Biology Administrative Assistant

Tuesday (19th) I had to work on Lyn’s computer. It was infected by spyware and trojans. I started to clean it up. Lyn asked me if it would be a good idea to change her passwords on a different computer. I told her that would be a bit too much and that I didn’t find any evidence of keyloggers on the computer. She told me that once her husband had put keyloggers on her computer, so she had experience with them. That struck my curiosity, so I asked her why her husband would do that. She told me before she got divorced her husband always worried about what she did on the computer. She suspected he had keyloggers and what watching her, so she tested it by purposely saying things to a guy to see if her husband would blow and he did. I grinned and said, “It has been my experience that whenever a party in the relationship is always concerned that someone if going to take the other away, that the truth is that person is the one who is unfaithful.” She said, “Exactly! Because that’s they way they think; they think you are the same way, but people like you and I aren’t like that.” I told her that my ex-fiancée always thought all my girl friends were going to take me away from her. Joyce, the Office Administrator that’s retiring, walked out of the room, and I mentioned to Lyn, “Does Joyce not like Rob or something? She always seems to be talking bad about him.” And Lyn said, “Oh… well you know know, they used to date before he married Michelle.” My eyes kind of got wide, “Joyce and Rob?! Rob is 32…” Lyn: “And Joyce is 47.” Lyn said that apparently they dated and she fell for him, but he wasn’t as interested, and so she’s a bitter about it still. And the fact that Joyce couldn’t have children may have a been an issue for Rob as well. Then Lyn said, “Office romances: Something you don’t want to ever be involved in.” I grinned when she said that and mentioned what happened between Alicia and I (except I just referred to Alicia as “a girl that works in building 52”). Lyn said that she thinks she used me just to fix her computer. I don’t think it is quite like that, but still… I told Lyn that I got pretty hurt by it all, and that I don’t think it bothers Alicia at all. And Lyn says, “Oh, it does bother her… She’ll never tell you, but it always bothers them deep down…” Gossiping with Lyn was kind of fun and helped me see things from a different perspective.

Marriage is meant to be forever

As I have mentioned before, I have a few friends that are on their way to getting married. Caddy and Jay are getting married next month. Kim and Joey are getting married in August. Jacob and Caroline are getting married in November. I suspect it will only be a matter of time before Heather and Steve get engaged. This topic is about Kim. Kim has recently been unfaithful with Joey. Apparently she came as close to sex with another guy as Alicia and I did. She didn’t go all the way, but a lot happened. It seems to just be a fact that when my girl friends are unfaithful and they need to tell someone about it, they come to me. Which is okay! My friends know they can talk to me about anything, especially when they need to spill their guts. So, I say it here! I have quite a few girl friends that are unfaithful to their men. I don’t have any guy friends that are unfaithful, and that confuses me to no end. What worse is that these friends of mine who haven’t been faithful, I have always considered them to be good girls. The kind of girls I would like to make my girlfriend. This kind of stuff is bad for me. I already have trust issues. This whole thing with Alicia just wanting a physical relationship, and these incidents of women being unfaithful: It has all made me question my perception, made me wonder what woman I can trust. I don’t want to be the type of guy who doesn’t trust a girl! I digress, back to the story. Kim told Joey what happened. Kim and Joey are not canceling the wedding. That in itself would spark indifferent opinions in me, but there’s more to it than that. Kim wants the other guy to come after her. She wants to be with him, but since he isn’t going after her, she is going to marry Joey. That is the part I can’t come to terms with. She knows that Joey and her are not working out, but she is settling. What sense does that make? She told me that she thinks they will probably get divorced within five years. Cindy is Kim’s best friend, and Cindy and I are pretty close too. Cindy told me that Kim said she doesn’t think she has feeling for Joey anymore. Kim told me that she actually wanted Joey to leave her, but he didn’t. I called Kim a coward. I told her that it was her responsibility to leave Joey before she was unfaithful, but that’s not what she did. She was unfaithful, and instead of leaving Joey, she wants him to leave her, and that is cowardly. Kim was my first girlfriend ever. I just can’t believe this has happened. Kim explained a bit of it to me. Kim says that she and Joey had sex together for the first time early this year, and it was just a disappointment. She didn’t enjoy it at all. I quoted some statistics that say most women don’t enjoy vaginal sex. Most men learn to have sex from porn, and that’s no way to give a girl pleasure. She also told me that Joey hardly ever spends any time with her anymore. All he does is work, and when he’s not working, he says he is too tired. I don’t like that one bit, because I have a hard time believing it. I know from my own experience that somehow guys find energy when it comes to having a chance to be with a woman. Well, I am kind of sympathetic to Kim, but still… She should have left him or talked about this before being unfaithful, and she should not be getting married! It is so frustrating to me. I am a guy who has never cheated and has always been faithful even with my mind and my eyes, and I can’t seem to find a girl to be with. Kim has a guy who is willing to give her the ultimate promise, and she takes it for granted. I just don’t understand.

All that has made me realize something though. I am 21, and I am a virgin. Chances are, if I do ever have sex, the case is going to be that the girl has already had it with another guy. She’s already going to know what to do, and she’s already going to have preconceived notions about what it is going to be like for her. Rather if I like that or not, that’s probably going to be the case. I don’t want to be a disappointment. The fact is, if I had a huge desire to have sex, I would have already done it by now. I don’t really care how good it is for me (I’m a guy; it is going to be good anyway), but I want her to have a good time. I want to know how to give a girl a good time beforehand so I’m not a disappointment to her. I mean, maybe that’s futile, but then again, maybe there’s something good about just caring about it. I have found out for myself that I can’t just lightly do this sort of thing. If I ever do, it is going to be because she is something very special to me. She might not even know how special it will be for me, but I’ll know :)