Mind Too Full

I can’t seem to get to sleep tonight.  I really wish I could because I have a long day tomorrow.  I think I’ve made my tummy ache so much from all the anxiety.  I really don’t want to do anything tomorrow.  I just want to sit at home and stay in my room.  I don’t want to go anywhere, and I don’t want to see anyone.  That’s honestly how I feel, because I feel like all I do is give out.  I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.  Everybody I’ve been with has gotten past the phase in their lives that was me and moved on to greater things, and I really just don’t belong anywhere.  Prayer doesn’t seem to help me either.  There are many things that I pray for and I immediately feel calm about.  Such as a certain person I care about.  I have prayed for years that this person’s life would get straightened out, and I have gotten peace about it time and time again that this person will eventually be alright.  There are other things like when I pray that someone will get well or things would work out for someone else, and I always feel better about it afterward.  But this has always been one topic that I can’t seem to pray about, this idea of relationships.  It is something I suppose I have prayed about ever since I was about 15.  I haven’t really ever gotten any peace about it.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever really felt any response from it.  Nothing, at all.  I am such a shy and bashful guy, and I have never successfully asked anyone out without clear knowledge beforehand that the person wanted me to.  In fact, I don’t even like them until I know they first like me.  There have only been two exceptions to this:  Heather (back when I was a junior in high school) and this girl I like now.  And that’s another thing I don’t understand:  Why now?  Why now do I like someone?  I got led on by three girls last year, and the last one was just a month ago, so why now?  And why do I choose a girl that is so far out of my league?  It just doesn’t make any sense.  It is bad timing.  She’s too good.  And she doesn’t feel the same way; if I completely stopped talking to her right now, she probably wouldn’t even notice.  So you ask me, how do I feel the Lord is leading me?  I’m not sure…  I guess…  I guess I feel like He knows I’m frustrated and that I just shouldn’t jump the gun on this issue.  Just continue on.  But when I say “shouldn’t jump the gun on this issue” I’m not sure if that means this specific girl or all girls in general.  I’m not sure what it means.  Writing about it does help clear my mind and gather my thoughts.  I guess now is a good time to close.