I guess I cannot go on until I have a refresh of my last entries. I have not heard anything from Betty since I came to her about the things I had heard. She hung up on me and that was the last time we talked to each other, which was the 3rd of this month. So, basically, she hung up on me and hasn’t spoken to me in two weeks. Just like that: Poof gone. All because I told her about an anonymous tip I heard and that I trust her. Think I still trust her? I recently got another warning from someone that I do know and trust. Basically warned me that there is another guy Betty has been talking to and seeing a lot and also telling she’d get a divorce for (I have a name, but that doesn’t matter here). Sound familiar? I mean, I can’t say with any amount of certainty that any of that is true, but what am I supposed to believe? That’s just the problem: I have so little information, that I have nothing to believe or disbelieve. All I know is that this is some pretty screwed up stuff. So, here is what I do know. I have had a bit of time to think about all this. If you read over the quotes I put in the last entries, you’ll see where she has said that I was her best boyfriend and that she never stopped loving me, etc. etc. I’ve really thought about it these last few weeks. Do you realize that I have offered myself to this girl seven times now? Seven times! Do you also realize that out of those seven times, she’s never accepted? Do you also realize that each time I offer, she has more baggage than she did the time before? Man, I don’t know what that is. I don’t think that’s love. One-sided love maybe, but seriously when she tells me I’m the best man she had and that she never stopped loving me, I have to believe she is lying. Each time I look past things and accept her, she still rejects me in the end and vanishes. That’s not love. That sounds a lot more like game to me. It is almost like, each time she starts talking to me again, it is like she is asking herself, “How much more baggage can I accumulate and still get Daniel to fall head over heals for me?” I have no other explanation for it than that. So, what am I supposed to believe? Am I supposed to believe that I have wasted the past six years of my dating life? Do you realize that’s how long this has been going on? For the past six years I have spent either being with her or waiting for her (either intentionally or unintentionally). And while I have been doing that, she’s been out having a child outside marriage, getting married, and trying to be with other men while [not] getting a divorce. Doesn’t exactly sound like a recipe for life success, does it? So how does a good Christian boy get involved in this mess? Well, I wish I had an easy answer for everybody, but I don’t. If I could answer that question, maybe I could do something about it. All I can say is that when you meet a person (especially when you’re young), no matter how great things seem, you never know how a person is going to grow up and turn out. What’s worse is that love isn’t a hard thing to stop. Sympathy is even harder to stop. When you see someone you genuinely love in distress, you want to do everything in your power to help that person. When you feel that person reaching out to you for help, all you want to do is grab that person and not let go. That’s genuinely how I feel about Betty. You have to keep in mind that three short years ago, I was ready to give this girl a ring, and I wasn’t kidding around. Never in my wildest dreams did I think she’d get herself into this kind of mess. She was never like this when we were together. I just don’t get it. Yes, I love Betty. I will always love Betty. A day has not gone by since she and I broke up that I haven’t said a prayer for her that she would find happiness and success in her life, with or without me. That’s about 1,100 prayers. Call me a fool if you want. You would probably be right.
I’m a good man as far as men go; I think anyway. I don’t think I deserve to be anyone’s a second choice, much less a third choice. Well, anyway, I have kinda started to like someone else anyway. Yip! I mean, not that I stand a chance or anything. Why would a cute, sweet, nice girl wanna be around a troll like me anyway? DON’T CROSS MY BRIDGE!! But seriously, this person could have anyone she wants, so I’d have to be delusional to think I would ever stand a chance. Still, it is nice to be able to admit that I admire someone. It feels good anyway, especially when the person is so awesome. Yeah, I know: I’m a complicated man and no one understands me. My friends Allie and Charlotte say that I am “shifty”. Is that true? I am not so shifty. There are a handful of people that know me very well, actually!
I am in a very good mood actually, despite all that. Two fold: One, largely because of the admiration, but also because I feel like I have accomplished a lot. From the 8th to the 13th, I have five concerts and four finals (except one final we all sort of boycotted, heh). Although I didn’t do perfectly on everything, I managed to get through it all with everything still in piece. I was able to keep my emotions in check, I performed adequately well with inadequate time to practice, I felt satisfied with the amount of studying I had for each final, and I feel good about how I did on my finals. Although I am a little anxious to see how I actually did grade-wise… Hmm… Well, I got a little sick Thursday. I think I might have had a fever, but I didn’t check. Everyone always says, “You should check to see if you have a fever.” What difference does it make? Seriously, what difference does a fever make? A fever is a symptom, not a root problem. Not everything that is contagious causes a fever; not everything that causes a fever is contagious. Besides, rather if I have a fever or just think I have a fever, either way I am probably not going anywhere. End rant. Even though I was sick, I was still in a good mood. I feel a lot better now, but I still got a sniffly and a cough. Heh, yeah, it is very nice to admire someone.
Strange things are happening at work. I am not sure what’s going on, but I’ll try to sum up things as I see them. Boss told me that the department can’t afford to have me over the break… okay. That’s fine I guess. But there’s more. When I started, there were two 20 hour helpdesk positions: James and Daniel. There was also a 30 hour CFPA position (for Theater, Art, and Music): Nick. Well, as you know, James got fired. When James got fired, Nick began helping me when he could, splicing his time between helpdesk and CFPA. I also felt like I was having to do a bit more than before, but I was okay with it. Well, the college must’ve seen everything getting done with only one helpdesk position, because they dissolved James’ old position. So, then there was just 20 hour helpdesk and 30 hour CFPA. Everything was still getting done. Well, now CFPA is upset that Nick is not there 100% of the time, so the college took Nick’s position and gave it to the CFPA department. Nick is no longer my coworker. So wait a minute… When I started working, there were three student workers. Now it is only myself? Umm… This happens way too often. Seriously, it happens time and time again. I start out doing something, and I start out having a lot of people along side me. I work hard and give everything my all. But then something strange starts to happen. I notice that the help goes away. Is it that I work so hard, that people that I can anything on my own? I mean, maybe I can do a lot on my own, but umm… isn’t that sort of like, taking advantage of me?
An example of this would be when I was in high school band. Now, I understand that things have changed with Pace High School and pit percussion, but let me tell you how things were when I got there: There was no pit. I mean, there was a group of 3 – 5 percussionists that weren’t good enough to play in the line that stood in front of an old xylophone or two, but that was it. There had never been a pit instructor before. When I was a freshman in high school, we had a pretty decent pit for the standards of those days. I was a dedicated mallet player, and Scott and Karen both could also read music and could play well. The only person that didn’t aspire to be in the line was myself. Which according to Bill (the drum instructor at the time), had only happened once or twice before in the 20+ years he had been instructing there, to have a percussionist want to stay in pit. Bill didn’t really have much interest in pit. He was always really old school military type drum line and didn’t really see non-marching instruments as having any real part in a marching band. So anyway, my freshman year, we had people that at least cared about their individual performance, so the pit was decent. The next year wasn’t so great. Bill put me in charge of the pit. And I mean IN CHARGE. Seriously, he met with me times to discuss how he wanted it done. He had a sophomore and four freshmen that he was going to give me. He wanted me to teach them by wrote. They didn’t need to know how to read music. They didn’t need to know which keys were which notes. All they needed to know was which bars to hit at what time for three songs. Once I did that, I could start patching things to make us look uniform. He didn’t care how good they were, because they weren’t staying in pit anyway. As for me, I didn’t need to even play at rehearsals. I just needed to watch them and make sure they were doing right. Being the young eager to please person I was, I didn’t question. I did as he told, with the exception that I usually played in front of them and watched them as I was playing as well. Problem was I had three freshmen that didn’t care at all. It was a horrible year. Still, Bill didn’t criticize. He was always encouraging to me. Well, then Bill got fired. Behavior became an issue in the pit among the three dumb freshmen, most of which wasn’t even during rehearsals, and I never saw. It apparently got so bad that the entire pit got called into the dean’s office. Robert (the sophomore) just sat there and said nothing. I was actually rather defiant. I was quick to say to the dean that I was not a babysitter and behavior problems were not my problem and that it was ridiculous for him to pull me out of my classes. He didn’t like my attitude. I also got pulled into Mr. Knight’s (the band director at the time) office, where he proceeded to yell and me and Robert. I yelled back at him. Aside from the behavior problems, the parts were getting played. It wasn’t a great pit, but yeah, the parts were getting played. I’d even venture to say there was a little musical development going on there. So, that was that: My first pit. Then Mr. Knight hired Eric Drew. I wasn’t sure how I felt about him at first. I wasn’t convinced of his credentials. Eric wanted to organize an indoor percussion group. At our first practice for that, I decided to test Eric out, so I dueled him on mallets. He didn’t last long. I must say, in high school I was very cocky and ambitious, but I had the stuff to back it up too. I was asked to play my marimba in indoor (we didn’t have such things as marimbas and vibraphones back then). I agreed. Then I was asked if Ryley (then new to mallets) could double with me on my marimba (seemed rather dumb since I only have a four octave marimba). I didn’t like that, but I agreed as long as I could monitor her progress. Around the forth rehearsal, got sick, so I called Eric and told him I wasn’t going to make it. I also told him not to take out my marimba because no one there had the proper mallets to play it. He said okay. Well, the drum captain at the time Allen had Ryley play my marimba that night with timpani mallets. You know, wood core timpani mallets. Needless to say, it damaged my marimba and I had to have a note replaced. So, I took my marimba out of the program and quit. The drum captain later found me in the hall and yelled at me that timpani mallets wouldn’t hurt a marimba. I yelled back telling him that he has never read a note of real music in his entire life and had no business telling me how my instrument should be played. This was along with some other choice words. I also had a certain cymbal player going around saying that I was power happy, etc. As if pit captain was a powerful position anyway. I wasn’t the only person to quit. Once I quit, several of the recruits for pit quit after. I never saw anything particularly impressive about that group. To be honest, I thought they were horrible. My junior year, Eric wanted to make Ryley the pit captain instead of me. I think Ryley actually denied that. Eric knew that I was on thin ice with him, and to be honest, I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about band; I wanted to quit; I was only staying in because my mom wanted me to. The pit my junior year wasn’t any good. To be honest, I think my sophomore pit was a lot better than my junior pit, largely because I didn’t care, largely because Eric didn’t support me and didn’t give me the same liberties Bill did. I helped out Ryley quite a bit, but only because she asked me to. Eric got fired later that year. My senior year was the beginning of John Dunlap at Pace. I understand that he was a great guy after I left, and I in no way deny that, but to be honest, he did very little to help me out. My senior year, John only focused on the line, not the pit. For a few weeks, John had JoEllen working there to be with the pit. I was not particularly impressed with JoEllen. She was only one year older than me, and probably less experienced, by then I had been a mallet percussionist for 6 years. The first rehearsal, the pit was one. Just me. JoEllen gave me a piece of music to sight-read. She told me to look over it for a little while because it might take me a while to learn it. I didn’t waste any time. I sight-read it as soon as she put it on my music stand. Sight-read the whole thing, no mistakes. Then, I did it again, twice as fast. Then, I did it again, twice than that. Then I stopped, and I didn’t say anything. I think JoEllen just said, “Okay, that was really all I had for you today.” I think I spent the rest of that rehearsal just wandering around. I didn’t like JoEllen. I saw her as inferior and in my way, but I didn’t let her know that. JoEllen quit. I really wasn’t surprised, because I never saw her as having any staying power. It was a frustrating year. I got zero support from John. He never even seemed to look at the pit. He never talked to me, and I never talked to him. I even wrote parts for all three songs because John didn’t. The third song I wrote entirely, all parts, mallets and auxiliary. I don’t even think John noticed. Still, that pit was incredible. I had a few freshman percussionists that didn’t play mallets, but I had four mallet players that could play! I loved every minute of playing with them and teaching them. You’ll commonly hear me refer to “pit daughters”; I am talking about those in my senior pit. Even now that we don’t play together, I still love them and I’m still very proud of them. Ryan, Ashley, Erin, and Paul. Paul wasn’t as good as the others, but he did well too. I thought we would have an indoor that year. I know that if we had one, we would have been incredible. But John bailed out. John quit for the remainder of the year. I know there was a reason, but I’m not sure what it was. It had something to do with the brand of drumsticks the line was using. It had nothing to do with the pit or me. The pit used whatever mallets I told them to use, and John never gave me any input on that. It was about the line. John was mad at the line for some reason, so he quit. Maybe the line was wrong, I don’t know. I do know that my class’s drumline got screwed time and time again. We had gone through several different drum instructors, and none of them had any staying power. I think the line was just fed up with instructors that had no meat. I honestly don’t know because John never talked to me. John put a lot more effort into the pit once I graduated. I feel like I got the short end of the mallet with John. Don’t get me wrong, I like John, and I know the people I taught liked John thereafter, but I’m just saying, he never did anything for me but leave me to not have the indoor percussion group I wanted. When I remember him as an instructor, that’s how I remember him. On a personal level, I think he is an awesome guy. The worst thing about John to me was that I never knew what he thought about me or the massive amount of work I did under him. I never knew if he thought I was a talented mallet player. He never taught or attempted to teach me anything about mallets. I never knew if he liked the job I was doing with the pit. I never knew if he thought the pit was talented. I never received any praise nor criticism from him. I never understood him. So, to conclude the story, I didn’t have an indoor percussion that year; so instead, I organized my own percussion ensemble, consisting of nine percussionists I felt were the best (and willing). We performed three times, once receiving superior ratings (the other two were not judged). We had a lot of fun, without an instructor. I was impressed with them. I was happy to play with them. It was the first time I felt like I was just the organizer. I didn’t have to tell them how to do anything. That was what I wanted throughout band, but I only got it in the end.
This is what happens when I wrote a blog in the middle of the night. I just ramble. The original reason I brought up the band thing was because when I do something, and I work hard, I usually end up doing it all with no support. Right, that’s what I was getting at, I think.
I will conclude with some random advice:
1. There is nothing sexy about being a tramp.
2. Don’t think for one moment that a person who is cheating on someone will cheat with only one person at a time.
3. When you give someone something for nothing, they usually appreciate it as if it were nothing.
4. There are good people in this world. The best times in life are when you find them and spend time with them.
5. Looking into something that looks like crushed blue sapphires sprinkled on a pearl is completely amazing. <– Try to interpret what I meant by that!
6. Mathematical Statistics II is going to suck! Bring it on!!
Full throttle. No reverse.
Good night!

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