Clearing my mind (again)

Have you ever been in a position where you have a lot on your mind, but you aren’t sure what you’re thinking? Have you ever felt as though you need to pray, but you don’t know what to pray for? I think that’s even more difficult. It is one thing to know exactly what’s wrong. At least then you know what to focus your energy on (or what to stop focusing your energy on). But, then something is wrong and you don’t know exactly what it is, then you’re really in the dumps. Then you have to go into a long “figure out what’s wrong” quest. The last entry I wrote on June 25th is a private entry, and my closest friends know what it said, but otherwise, you don’t get to know. Sorry. June was not a very good month for me at all. It was probably the worst month I have had in years. It looks like July is going to be one of those mellow, not gonna try to do too much kind of months. If I had my way, I would take a vacation until late August and never come back until my fall classes start. Unfortunately, I can’t. I’m taking summer classes, as usual, and I’m also working. I seriously need a vacation, time to get away from this area and seriously relieve some stress. It isn’t going to happen. I just have to keep pushing myself along until graduation.
I think I’ve written about his before, but I have to repeat it. People come in and out of my life. People become very close to me, and people vanish never to be seen again. It is something that has happened to me many times. I have to say, no matter how many times it happens, it doesn’t seem to get any easier. It is amazing how fast someone can come into your life, and (if you allow it) how close a person can become to you. Even faster than that is how fast someone close to you can just vanish. Maybe it is easier on other people. I don’t know how other people think, or if it is at all similar to me. When I allow someone to get close to me, it is very hard to lose that person. I care about people; I worry about people when I don’t hear from them. I don’t know. It is like ripping Velcro off whenever someone close to me disappears. It is almost like that person isn’t the only part vanishing. It is like when someone is ripped away they rip a little bit of me off with them. As if a piece of myself is missing too. Does that make any sense? In the aftermath of someone disappearing from you life, it is always natural to ask yourself silly questions: Should I let someone get that close to me again? Should I trust anyone else again? Should I believe people when they make promises to me? In the short period of my existence, I have come across some pretty heartless people. I’ve known people that can tell a lie or an empty promise and not look back at all or give it a second thought. It makes so little sense to me. You know, I wasn’t exactly raised to be a Christian. I found faith on my own. Even as an atheist, I couldn’t tell lies so easily. I don’t know, it just seems so cold-hearted to look into someone’s eyes and tell something that you know is false. I don’t understand it, and I hope that I never will. I have gone through a lot of rough times, and it has been very hard to preserve the person that I am. I try not to become cold or hardhearted. I keep telling myself that compassionate is the way a good person is supposed to be. Unfortunately, I have found that things build up. The more things that happen to me, the more difficult it is to keep myself the way I’d like to stay. It is difficult to stay a compassionate person when amongst people who are heartless and completely lacking in conscience. So maybe people have no problem stabbing you in the back and not giving it a second thought. I guess it is just the sort of person I am, or maybe it is just because I am just 20 and I haven’t learned enough yet. I could be less vague, and just say exactly what’s going on, but you probably already know exactly what I’m taking about.
I have a new friend in my math classes. We met last term in my Set Theory class. I have both of my summer classes with her. I’ve helped her out a little bit. I’ve taken notes for her, and I’ve fixed her computer, and I’ve showed her a few things on her calculator. She’s helped me a bit too, but most of you know that I don’t really give many people opportunity to help me. Don’t assume anything though. She’s a math buddy, not a prospect.
Speaking of prospects…