This is obviously going to be a private weblog entry, because I don’t want anymore drama than I have to have. Maybe I will manually send it to some people if they are curious, but I know making this entry public will be nothing but trouble.
It started way back in April, but now thinking about it is indeed a pretty long time. As I think I mentioned before, I work with a guy named Nick. He is actually assigned as the Computer Technician at another building. Nick was a friend of my other friend David. David has been my friend throughout college because we both went to PJC as Computer Science students. David and I have worked together on several projects. He’s a pretty cool guy. When I started applying for the job I have now, David told me that I’d probably be working from time to time with his friend Nick. I had seen Nick before, but I hadn’t really talked to him.
Nick and I didn’t work together much at first. He was assigned to his building, and my job was to work with James. There was a project that started in March where we had to convert all the computers in the college to a Microsoft Exchange server. I was put in charge of the project, and Nick was assigned to help me. James was supposed to cover all the other work. Rob (the boss) didn’t like the work that James did, so after the project, either James quit or Rob fired him. There’s a lot of argument as to which happened first. In short, I’ve been working with Nick a lot more than was originally intended. But it was fine. Nick and I worked well together. We got along great and what not. Everything was going well until…
Nick had a girlfriend named Meaghan. I didn’t know that at first. When Nick would talk about Meaghan, it was usually because he was complaining about something. I was usually confused as to what was really going on, but I didn’t really think much of it. Looking back at my early IM logs from Meaghan, it has a lot of her saying things like “nick is totally pissed off at me” (March 4,2006: 11:56:10PM). “i havn’t talked to him much the past week” (March 5, 2006: 12:29:09AM). Things started to deteriorate in mid-March, when Meaghan started asking me a ton of questions and being really suspicious of Nick. “the kid he was walking with earlier…did she have dark hair” (March 16, 2006: 6:20:03PM). “and now he is haning out with other girls, AHH!” (6:20:49PM). “he told my friend the other night he was fond of a few girls. danielle was one of them.. and like jetty and ashley” (6:21:37PM). My response to her was “i’m not saying i know anything, but you two seem to put yourselves through a lot of trouble” (6:25:39PM). I didn’t think much of it. I just assured her that I didn’t think she had anything to worry about. I didn’t think that Nick was really into other girls, because I didn’t think he would do that. Until I caught him in a lie. I met Jetty the next week. And later, Nick told me that he was thinking about leaving Meaghan to be with Jetty. This whole thing really freaked me out. Meaghan and I had been talking, and I had already assured her that I didn’t think she had anything to worry about. I was so wrong. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to warn Meaghan, but I didn’t know how. I couldn’t just tell Meaghan what I knew because I had to work along side Nick. On the 27th of March, I asked Meaghan if he and Nick wanted to go hang out with some of my friends that weekend. Meaghan told me that Nick was busy that weekend doing his deck. That isn’t what happened though. Meaghan’s words again: “i was really sad that he was laying on the couch with some other girl” (April 2, 2006: 1:27:21AM). “he told me that he never hung out with her yesterday” (1:31:07AM). “i just..dont like the thought of being replaced” (1:35:42AM). “it wouldn’t be the first time hes lied to me. and im sure it wont be the last” (1:37:13AM).
Meaghan: how long do you think jetty and nick will last
Daniel: what do you mean by that
Meaghan: they are dating, but you think it’ll be a long time
Daniel: i couldn’t tell
Daniel: i don’t know either of them well enough
Daniel: but if they are dating, you shouldn’t think about that
Meaghan: its kinda hard not to
Daniel: i know
Meaghan: i mean, for the past two years…
Meaghan: and then all of a sudden he tells you he is dating someone else
Meaghan: but your still his best friend…
Daniel: does he say you’re his best friend?
Daniel: i see
Meaghan: but for how long until i get replaced by jetty
Daniel: i’m sorry Meaghan
Meaghan: nothing i can do about it…
Meaghan: school in the morning
Daniel: i have to go to work in the morning
Daniel: i feel bad
Daniel: because, i knew about Jetty
Meaghan: have you known he liked her for like this whole past month and a half
Daniel: i knew about it as of Friday
Meaghan: ive had this feeling
Meaghan: but nick kept tel;ling me no no no
Meaghan: its okay
Meaghan: i dont like her
Meaghan: …so i believed him.
Meaghan: now everything makes sebse
Daniel: i mean… i knew about it as of Friday. but i felt as though i couldn’t do anything about it
Daniel: and i guess there wasn’t anything i could do about it
Meaghan: its okay
Daniel: it is an awkward position because Nick is my friend (albeit i haven’t known him long) and we work together
Daniel: but we also talk, and i think you’re neat and all…
Daniel: and i don’t know
Meaghan: its okay
Meaghan: everything worked out..
Daniel: i don’t follow
Meaghan: im hurt, yeah. but he seems happy. though he seemd happy when we were together… idk
Meaghan: he finally told me everything
Daniel: when he asked me what i thought about it, i told him i thought he should be single before considering anyone else
Meaghan: i know
Meaghan: that really hurts me
Meaghan: its like he dated her before we even broke up
Meaghan: it hruts to think of him with somone else
Meaghan: okay, i’ll stop babbling
Daniel: you’re not babbling
Meaghan: did he tell you they were taking it slwo?
Daniel: i didn’t even know they were dating
Daniel: that must have been sudden
Daniel: so, it was a little bit of a shock
Daniel: i didn’t know he was going to go through with it or not
Meaghan: maybe ‘taking it slow’ is his idea of taking time
Meaghan: yeah, he is uh
Meaghan: he really likes her
Meaghan: and her friends approve of him
Meaghan: and like him
Meaghan: and stuff
Meaghan: can i ask you something?
Meaghan: have you ever like..
Meaghan: loved someone
Daniel: i’ve been engaged too
Meaghan: did you stop loving them all of a sudden
Meaghan: it took time right?
Daniel: i still love them
Meaghan: nick said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Daniel: i’m just wiser about how i handle that love
Meaghan: and that threw me for a loop, cause no matter how hard i try, i could never stop loving him all of a sudden
Meaghan: maybe he never loved me to begin wiht?
Daniel: i couldn’t tell you
Meaghan: k. for real, ’nuff babbling
Daniel: i’ve never left anyone for the soul purpose of being with someone else
Daniel: i don’t think your babbling
Meaghan: i feel like its my fault
Daniel: i’m generally content with whatever i have
Meaghan: because ive been really…moody latly because of me not being in school then starting and docrots not know whats wrong and i would take things he said the wrong way….
Meaghan: and i feel like this nice, pretty, smart girl comes along
Meaghan: and bam
Meaghan: you know how you always hear about the girl who finds a nice boy and leaves her boyfriend to be with this new boy
Meaghan: i feel like that..but it was nick and another girl
Daniel: i don’t think you’re not nice
Meaghan: but jetty is nicer
Meaghan: i feel like
Daniel: you’re just…
Daniel: you can’t explain how this happened
Daniel: and you’re trying to find reasons
Daniel: and you’re blaming yourself
Daniel: you just haven’t gotten to the point to where you realize, these things just happen some times
Meaghan: nick was always ALWAYS afriad i was going to leave him for another boy when things got rough, and how i would like him more and break up with nick for this new boy.
Meaghan: i truly think thats what happened
Meaghan: things weren’t going perfect with me and nick and jetty comes along and fills that gap
Meaghan: sorta kinda
Daniel: well what about you?
Meaghan: what aboutme?
Meaghan: thats why ne never like me talking to david
Daniel: if things weren’t perfect for nick, surely they weren’t perfect for you either
Meaghan: he thought i was going to leave him for david
Meaghan: i guess he just kinda..gave up
Daniel: yeah… Nick mentioned once that he thought David liked you
Daniel: i wasn’t sure if he was serious about that when he said it
Meaghan: he was so paroniod
Daniel: heh… yeah…
Daniel: i’ve only had 2 girlfriends…
Daniel: but i remember the first one
Daniel: when we broke up, i had a friend tell me that if she were me, she would find some poor sap that i didn’t like and date her just for rebound
Daniel: but… i wasn’t into that
Daniel: the whole “revenge” hurt someone else because someone hurt me… yeah… i didn’t see much productivity in that
Daniel: not so much a rebound…
Daniel: but in about a month, i did try to ask someone out…
Daniel: but i was rejected!
Daniel: but then another girl asked me out that same day
Meaghan: he was soo worried about me going to prom with another guy because he thought i would leave him for the other guy
Meaghan: and he doesn’t even really wanna talk about any of this
Meaghan: like if we talk now, it has to be about something different
Meaghan: okay, for real, i’ll stop now
Daniel: knock that “i’ll stop” stuff off
Daniel: we’re just talking
Daniel: so after i got reject, another girl in one of my classes asked me out… more or less
Daniel: actually, she told me she had feelings for me, and i asked her out
Daniel: and we went to a homecoming dance together
Daniel: but then she lost interest about a week after the dance, and i was okay with that
Daniel: that was my gothic experience :-)
Daniel: she was a goth girl
Meaghan: its like two years, and to him its nothing
Meaghan: like his feelings for me were gone in a day
Daniel: maybe they were gone longer than that
Daniel: and he just didn’t know what to do because he didn’t wanna hurt you
Daniel: i know that’s rather foolish…
Daniel: but he is still young
Meaghan: i know what you mean
Daniel: young people make dumb choices
Meaghan: so im really young, does that mean i make really dumb choices?
Daniel: more than likely, at least a few
Daniel: that’s how it goes
Daniel: Nick is going to make enough dumb choices and be hurt enough and molded enough to where he’ll get wiser about things
Daniel: or not…
Daniel: again, that’s just how it goes
Daniel: its all in how you handle it
Daniel: now… when my engagement fell apart
Daniel: now that was a roller coaster…
Meaghan: yeah. i bet
Daniel: i didn’t take it well
Daniel: i stabbed a pillow
Meaghan: i think you mentioned that before
Daniel: i got my buddy robert to pick me up to watch me
Daniel: actually, i suppose i did handle it well… considering the emotional attachment
Meaghan: how long were you together
Daniel: about 3 years
Meaghan: how long did it take you before you were…okay with it
Daniel: and i was willing to make the ultimate commitment with her
Daniel: i don’t know
Daniel: it depends on how one determines when i’m okay with it
Daniel: i mean… i haven’t dated anyone since then
Meaghan: accepted it
Daniel: i don’t know the answer to this
Daniel: that probably isn’t the best example
Daniel: i can’t say that i’m better until i date someone else. that’s sort of my barometer
Daniel: might not be the best one either
Daniel: so… i don’t know
Meaghan: in a way, i wish he would have waited a little
Meaghan: its liek
Meaghan: idk, im at a loss for words
This was the conversation Meaghan and I had on April 3rd from about midnight until 2:30AM. I felt so sorry for her, but I didn’t know what to do. I knew about Jetty and Nick, but I didn’t tell Meaghan.
The next part sort of takes a turn for Meaghan and I. I don’t know if it was because I was comforting her, or if it was because we enjoyed talking to her, but Meaghan and I from there forward began to become a lot close. We started talking to each other online everyday, and we started talking to each other on the phone and what not. We began to share big details about our lives to each other. On April 8th, at 11:45PM, we made plans to actually meet each other face to face:
Meaghan: have you heard of a Tom Brantley
Meaghan: jazz guy
Daniel: do i?
Meaghan: do you what?
Daniel: i’m being weird again
Meaghan: no no, what
Meaghan: have you heard of that guy?
Daniel: i think i have
Daniel: but i’m not sure
Meaghan: because tate is having their jazz concert next Thursday
Meaghan: the 13th
Meaghan: and hes gonna play
Daniel: why are they doing that?!
Meaghan: doing what?
Daniel: having their jazz concert
Meaghan: …they can?
Meaghan: what can i say, its tate, we like to show off. even if we aren’t that good
Meaghan: i think that is where i will be on thursday
Daniel: oh yeah?
Meaghan: i think so
Meaghan: It’ll be at tates cafeteria if you would like to join
That Thursday was when I first met Meaghan. I remember being so nervous and silly. I had a great time with her. It was great, and I was happy. Meaghan and I continued to see each other. We saw each other the day after that jazz concert. I asked her to go with me to Robert’s 21st birthday party. Also fun. And that Saturday, we hung out again at Robert’s. That day was the first time we held hands, and… yeah… it was amazing. We saw each other all the time from here on. We spent our weekends together. It was amazing because my family liked her. If you know my history, you know how rare it is for everyone in my family to like a girl I bring home. Meaghan and I had our first kisses on June 2nd. Meaghan and I never became official. She wouldn’t have it. She always said that she wasn’t sure she was ready and always asked me to wait, but she always assured me that it would happen eventually. I didn’t understand, but I let her have her time. A few weeks ago, I began to worry. I “learned” things, and because to suspect that Nick was going to leave Jetty to go after Meaghan. I brought this to Meaghan’s attention. I told her I was scared to lose her, and I told her I was scared that she was going to go back to him and get hurt again. Meaghan told me that I didn’t have anything to worry about because she didn’t think Nick would leave Jetty. I told Meaghan that I didn’t care what Nick did; I wanted to know how Meaghan would handle it. Meaghan wouldn’t give me a clear answer, but I pressed her about it. She later told me that she wouldn’t go back to Nick after everything that has happened. Later, we hugged and she asked me to trust her and not to worry. I gave her my trust during that hug. Sure enough, I was right. Nick left Jetty a few days later. Things between Meaghan and I have not been the same ever since. As soon as Nick left Jetty, Nick began sending me messages, telling me to go away and leave “them” alone. Nick told me that Meaghan was over at his house and they cuddle and kissed and she told him that she was his soul mate. I told Nick that he was a liar and that I gave Meaghan my trust. I asked Meaghan what really happened. Meaghan told me that they didn’t cuddle or kiss, but… She said that she said “yeah” whenever he asked about the soul mate thing, said that she was just trying to get him to be quiet. This really upset me. How could she tell him that with me around? I was so upset. I told Meaghan that with everything that happened, Nick trying to push me away, and Meaghan telling him that, it was time for Meaghan to make a serious decision about me. Meaghan told me she didn’t want to make a decision because she was scared Nick would never told to her again if Meaghan and I got together. From there, I was angry with her. She was unwilling to make a decision about me, despite everything she and I had gone through together. I stopped talking to Meaghan for a few days. She came back to me after that, asking me for more time; time to tell Nick. I don’t know what she was wanting to tell him. I asked how long it would be before she told Nick… Well, I’ll just post it. Here is the conversation from June 17th.
Daniel: i want us to be ‘together’
Daniel: and i want it to be soon after you tell nick
Meaghan: it will be soon after i tell nicholas
Daniel: within like… a month?
Meaghan: …is that ok
Daniel: is that good for you?
Daniel: i want assurances…
Daniel: i want to know that that is going to happen
Daniel: heh… i guess i’m asking you to promise?
Daniel: and… i don’t want it to be forever until you tell nick
Meaghan: it wont be
Daniel: how soon are you thinking?
Meaghan: sometime this week
Daniel: this week is almost over
Daniel: … he’s going to try to make you change your mind
Meaghan: this upcoming week
Daniel: that’s why i asked for assurance
Daniel: promise me this will happen
Daniel: promise me, and i’ll go with it
Meaghan: this will happen
Daniel: then i’m happy
Daniel: i trust you, since you promise me
So again, I went out of my comfort zone. I gave her a week to get things straight. I couldn’t understand why this was such a problem for her, but I gave her time. The week has come and gone. She never told him. She had opportunities. In fact, she was at his place Friday. Last night, I confronted her about this. She said that she never promised it would be a week. Obviously from reading above, she did say a week. I began to press her as to why this was so difficult for her. In the course of the conversation, she told me that Nick wanted to leave Jetty as soon as she and I went to the jazz concert together. I told her that I thought that was only because I made him jealous. I asked her if she thought he would have left Jetty had I not been in the picture. She said she thought he would have still left her. I told her I didn’t think so at all, and she told me “that’s what I want to believe.” Clearly based on her saying that, I began to believe that the reason she hasn’t told Nick yet is because she still wants to be with him. So I asked her, “do you want to be with him?” She didn’t answer. As soon as I asked that, I lost the connection. At first, I figured she hung up on me. She says that her phone died. Amazing how phones die right at those moments.
What can I say? I’m heart broken. Seriously. I have never made any effort with a girl since Betty and I broke up. I thought for sure that Meaghan and I would pull through all this. I gave her so much. Meaghan and I even told each other that we were falling in love with each other.
Meaghan: can you resay what you had told me yesterday…about loving me
Daniel: do you really want me to?
Daniel: i don’t remember exactly how i said it
Meaghan: if you dont mind…
Daniel: its just…
Daniel: the way i’m acting. and with what you’ve brought out in me (things i didn’t know i had anymore). and the way you got me to have trust and faith in you despite everything that has happened. and the good times we share. and how you always find a way to make me smile. i think that i either already have or am falling in love with you.
Daniel: that’s what makes this so difficult…
Daniel: and it makes you cry…
Daniel: i can’t handle this…
Daniel: i’m running out of breath.
Meaghan: i know
Meaghan: sorry i brought it up
Meaghan: i feel the same way?
Daniel: i sure would like for you to
Daniel: i don’t know if you do
Daniel: not if you ask it as a question
Daniel: [09:30:06AM] Meaghan: i feel the same way ?
Meaghan: i dont know if it was an approiatre time to sayit
Daniel: neither did i
Daniel: i always wanted to tell you but…
Daniel: i thought maybe it was too soon
Daniel: or you weren’t ready
Meaghan: i know
Meaghan: do you remember
Meaghan: the night we talked about that something
Daniel: “there are things i’d like to do. thinkgs i’d like to say”
Daniel: “but i’m nervous. and maybe you’re not ready”
Daniel: things i’d like to do… like kiss you
Meaghan: i think so
Daniel: things i’d like to say… like tell you that i’ve fallen in love with you
Daniel: i didn’t think you were ready
Meaghan: i had started feeling that same way
Meaghan: scared to bring it up? Heh
Yeah, this hurts. I don’t know what’s going on. I think Meaghan is going to go back to Nick eventually. Her past with Nick is preventing her from moving on. I don’t understand it. It’s like she has forgotten everything she went through. She’s forgotten the pain she was in that I cheered her up from. She’s forgotten what happened between her and I. She’s forgotten the promises we made to each other. She’s forgotten the trust I gave her. Is this really happening? Sometimes I just wonder when I am going to wake up and everything will be like before Nick left Jetty. When Meaghan and I would hug each other and not let go. She helped me get over things in my past that were still haunting me, and I thought I had helped her to move on. I have invested so much emotion and care into her that I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t give up on her, like I have to keep my arms open to her, hoping she’ll come to me. But, I’m starting to think she won’t. I am starting to think that Nick has already won, and that I’m just one last thing in his way.
I am sorry that I feel this way, but I can’t help it. I see Nick as a villain. It’s like… I cheered Meaghan up after what happened. I was there for her those months that he was running around with that other girl. I don’t know. As soon as Nick left Jetty, he went back after Meaghan. It feels like he is getting away with it. Like everything that he did that hurt her doesn’t matter anymore. Where is the justice? Why isn’t he being held accountable for what he did to her? I mean, I have never done anything close to that. I never even look at other women when I have a girlfriend. My conscience and the holy spirit would plague my soul if I did something like that to a girl. I don’t know; I don’t think I’d be able to forgive myself. Is Meaghan going to forget everything she and I built together and go back to him. And if she does, what’s going to happen? Is she going to get hurt again? Who is going to cheer her up when she does? Can I? I don’t think I can. I think that if this end, Meaghan and I will never speak or see each other again. And I mean, I can’t allow myself to be in that situation. I can’t just wait for her to come to me forever. I can’t just keep picking up the pieces every time she gets hurt. Even if I want to, it would be so unhealthy for me. I just wish I was worth it to her that she would take this risk for me. I am also scared of what is going to happen to me. I have no idea what’s going to happen to me. With everything that had happened before Meaghan, I didn’t think I could trust or open up to a girl again. Meaghan somehow brought out things in me that I didn’t know could be brought out again. Now, I’m already heart broken, and my heart is quickly become hard as stone. I am worried that I am going to be alone again. I was alone for 3 years. I don’t want to go back to that. Am I going to be able to meet someone again when Meaghan finally does push me off to the curb? How long will it take for me to regather myself? Three more years? Six years? Twelve? I am scared. I just don’t know what to do. I have prayed like… constantly. When this all first happened, I prayed that Meaghan would be able to get through the pain of the break up. When I was scared that Nick would leave Jetty, I prayed it wouldn’t happen. When it did happen, I prayed that Meaghan would get through it. I feel hopeless and powerless, like I just have to sit and watch. What’s even worse is that I feel like when I bring these things up with Meaghan that she just gets frustrated with me. What should I do?