Missing Someone

With as busy as I have been this semester, I haven’t had much time to think about things that are not the here-and-now. Lately however, I have been thinking about a friend. I say friend, but honestly I don’t know where we stand right now. This is someone who I used to talk online and on the phone to pretty frequently. The last time I spoke to her was way back in September. Well, it is easy to tell who I’m talking to since I mentioned it back in October that she disappeared; I’m talking about Kate. I don’t get it either. I do not remember anything going wrong. All I remember is that I suddenly lost contact with her. Sometimes I’m dumb and I say dumb things, but when I do, I know it. I don’t remember saying or doing anything dumb. I don’t know if I said or did something to hurt her feelings, if she just got sick of talking to me, or if she died or something God forbid. I don’t know. This sort of thing is random. People long gone will just appear in my mind and I’ll think and/or worry about them. I have noticed that most people seem to drift in and out of my life. Very rarely do I purposely loose contact with a person. I don’t hold grudges, because I know I do stupid things too. The only time I’ll purposely loose contact with a person is when I decide that person is more trouble to me than they are worth. I don’t say that grudgingly or hatefully. It just means that a person is hurtful enough that I shouldn’t keep contact with them. None of things apply to what I’m talking about now though. I wonder if I’ll ever figure out what happened.
I have been quite busy, so I guess I need to explain what’s been going on in my life. My friend David and I agreed that we are going to be exhausted by time this term ends. We are taking all the same classes except one (again). We differ in only a math course (I’m a math minor; he’s not). But, we seem to have a project in each of our three programming courses, a writing assignment, and a math assignment every week. Coupled with the fact that we both have jobs, things are pressed for time. I did some homework Saturday, and I worked on it all for six hours. Work isn’t bad. I basically go there and do what I’m told, do some work orders, and learn as much about there nifty computer things that are scattered around. Our boss usually doesn’t keep that close an eye on us as long as work orders are getting cleared and stuff is getting done.
About three or four weeks ago, my buddy Ashley asked me to join the Pensacola Civic Band because they were short on percussionists. The idea was a little intimidating to me, since I haven’t played in a band in three years. I had still been playing but only by myself. I agreed to go to a practice with her and hang out with her and her friends and then decide. Of course, it didn’t turn out exactly like that. I think the first thing the conductor said when her got up to the podium was “welcome our new percussionist, Daniel”. I have no idea how red my face got. I think the first thing one of the other percussionists said to me was “you’re coming next week right?” Other than the fact that I got royally owned that night, I had fun. I have forgotten how to play with a conductor and other people, and I do seem to be relearning slowly. To be honest, I get a little embarrassed and ashamed of how pitiful I’m doing. We have a concert in March 21st. Maybe I should reevaluate how well I’m doing after I play at that concert and decide what I should do after that. I won’t stop until then. That wouldn’t be fair to them, and I would be selling myself short. I hope that I get the hang of this again really soon. I’m afraid that I’m letting Ashley down, because I am sort of doing that as a favor to her. Heh! That’s a downside to having buddies; you’re willing to humiliate yourself for them. Then again, maybe I should just step back and give myself a break. I am just too prideful to let myself fail, but I’m also too prideful to let myself get owned! It is a conflicting thing, this pride. I remember the first night I did something really dumb, and this just goes to show you how attuned to computer science I have become. I was counting measure rests (something you never have to do when you play solo). And I was counting like this: “1 2 3 2 2 3 3 2 3 4 2 3 … 9 2 3 A 2 3 B 2 3 … Wait… That’s hexadecimal! What the heck!? Wait… Oh no! I lost my spot!” For you non-computer science people, hexadecimal means that there are 16 numbers between 0 and 10, like this: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 A B C D E F 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 1A 1B etc. I still can’t believe I actually did that. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I had just kept counting. I know hexadecimal well enough that I wouldn’t have lost my spot, but instead, I stopped when I realized what I was doing and then I lost my spot. Pitiful!
So, the grand recap of everything I am now: I am a member of Faith Bible Baptist Church, and I attend church regularly, and I am in the church choir. I attend the University of West Florida, and I am a Junior currently taking 5 courses with 15 semester hours. I work at UWF as a Technical Support Specialist, which is a 20-30 hour per week job. I am a member of the Association of Information Technology Professionals. I am in the Pensacola Civic Band, and I play in the percussion section. I am 6’2″ and 184 lbs. I am single, and I don’t care for that at all. I am not the most social person in the world, but I am extremely loyal to people I deem as “buddy”. I am a republican, pretty conservative for a 20 year old, and I do keep a close eye on politics (when I can stand it). I like Sean Hannity. That should give you a hint as to how conservative I am. I can be extremely humble or extremely arrogant depending on the phase of the moon. I can be extremely quiet or down-right annoying depending on the alignment of Venus and Mercury. I have an interest and am knowledgeable in Astronomy and Stargazing. I used to believe in evolution before my conversion. I sometimes struggle in my Christian life, but I think all 20 year old college Christians do. I do not seek council with those matters though; I keep to myself. I have never smoked, drank, or done any sort of drugs, nor do I have any interest in ever doing those things. I am a virgin, although that isn’t something I wear on my sleeve. I am not a judgmental person. People can do whatever they want. However, I do worry about people when I see them going down a bad road. I worry about a lot of people. There are a lot of people I care about, and I think and pray about them regularly. I have all but lost my sense of taste and smell. With the exception of people that I’m close to, because I know the smell of a buddy. Is there weird? My eyesight isn’t too good either. I wear contact lenses for nearsightedness. I have braces, and I hate them. I think it should have been done when I was younger. I have superior hearing. If I am asleep and someone opens a door on the other side of the house, I will hear them and wake up. I enjoy singing and playing my marimba. I like jazz music. There aren’t many types of music that I hate, but I do not care for most either. I think I come across as a flirt, but most of the time I do not mean to. Sometimes I really do mean to, and then I might be a little too thick. I am in charge of the church bulletin and the birthday/anniversary calendars. Sometimes that feels like a chore. Other times I feel honored to do it. I often feel as though I am there for my friends more often than they are there for me. If that is true, it probably isn’t their fault. I have far more female than male friends. My best friend is Caddy. I love her to death and I would do anything for her. A lot of people can’t understand how I can feel that way about her and it not be romantic. They can shut up. Most of the time I don’t give a care about what people think! Sometimes, I do. I have a cell phone. I hate phones. The only time I am faithful to answering phones is when I’m dating someone or “talking” to someone. I haven’t dating anyone in over two years. It is my own fault. The best way to get a hold of me is to send me an email or leave an IM on my always-on messenger. If you do that, I will get back with you. If you call, all bets are off. I like short height, long dark haired, fair skinned girls. Is that weird? I have a foot fetish. Some people think that’s gross. I think there are way worse things than feet. I think I want to travel, but I would be afraid to do it alone. I don’t think I’ll live here the rest of my life. I am okay with that. People I’ve talked to that live in the North think I have a Southern accent. People around here think I have a Northern accent. I think it doesn’t make any difference. There isn’t a racist bone in my body. I have a abolitionist martyr in my heritage. I am part Arabic, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at me. I speak a little Spanish. I hope one day I’ll have time to learn more. I think I probably will. I want to get a Masters Degree in Software Engineering. I don’t like kids. That might change when I get older. I am indifferent on having kids or not. It would be up to my wife. I want to get married one day. I don’t think I will honestly. My best male friend is probably Robert. I don’t hang out with him as much as I’d like. I think it is because we are both horrible planners. If someone else is there and they plan it, we hang out. I love siblings. I love their spouses. Sometimes I come across as not being a family guy. That might be true, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love them. It upsets me when people question that. I think my mom is too emotional. I think my dad is too much of a hard-man. I love them though, but I sometimes think we aren’t close enough. I wouldn’t know how to become closer to them though. I don’t think it is my responsibility though. They should reach out to the son, not the other way around. I get impatient with my parents. Otherwise, I am generally a very patient person. I have worked in an office my entire working life. I get annoyed when I see things not working or things out of place. When I see something wrong I want to fix it. I think I’m probably a perfectionist. I don’t mean to be. My best friend Caddy is in Germany. I cried when she left. She saw it. I tried to hide it from her. I have trouble expressing myself. I like to write. I used to write fiction, but I didn’t let anyone read it. I think it was really good. I make A’s on all my essays and writing assignments. I can be very competitive. With that comes arrogance. I seriously doubt I’m the only person like that. On the contrary, I think my arrogant side will be the key to my success one day. I think I will be successful. What measures success? I was almost engaged once. That was the last time I was with someone. I got hurt at the end of it. I still care about that person though. I’d be her buddy, but we aren’t in contact that much. My buddies turn to me for advice a lot. Sometimes I wonder if it is wise for a 20 year old to council people. I have prayed for wisdom in these instances. Still, it makes me worry. I once warned someone that his attitude would get him killed if he wasn’t careful. He died in a car wreck three years later. I find that very eerie. I don’t sleep enough. I don’t eat often enough. I think I should probably go to bed now.
Do you know me better now?