Sorry Heather, but you’re wrong.

Well, I am still not great. Not anywhere close. I talked to her today, and she told me a few things about what happened. It was me! Holy crap, it was me! I’m sorry Heather, but your wrong! You said that I am “one of the sweetest guys”, and its so wrong! I was the one that broke up with her! I apparently said a whole lot of crap. I still have no memory, but its not a lie. I was horrible to her during my nervous breakdown. How could I do this to her? Why would I do this to her?!
Okay, calm down (hour break)…
Let me explain more rationally. Take a group of people. People that you share great love or respect for. Everything is going well. You go to sleep. You wake up, and the people suddenly hate you. That’s sort of the way I feel, since I don’t remember anything. Here’s my theory. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. A load of it, and I didn’t even realize. Something set me off. [Insert Random Memory Loss Here] I took it out on her. I wronged her. I left her. [End Random Memory Loss] I fall to the ground shacking and wailing. The only thing I know is that we broke up. I don’t know any details. I continue on, weak from emotions. Monday… Tuesday… Wednesday… Thursday: I finally can’t stand it anymore. I had to talk to her. I called her in the morning. All I really said was that I was sorry. We talk again that afternoon. She tells me some of the things I said during my memory loss. Holy crap. I had no idea that I did this to her. I cannot justify myself. The only power I have is to apologize. My conscience requires me to apologize to her and another. I’ve apologized to her. I’ve told her about my memory loss. I’ve told her about my stress. Not to try and justify myself, but to place myself in her mercy. She hasn’t forgiven me, and I don’t think she will forgive me. [Side note: Don’t you dare think, “She won’t forgive you? She’s so horrible for not forgiving you.” She does not have to forgive me. I hurt her, not the other way around. Forgiveness is an attribute of love. But if there is no love, I can not expect nor deserve forgiveness. She is justified if she hates me.] So, la la la… She will not forgive me. Our relationship will not continue because of my actions. If she wants to forgive me, then it may continue, but I don’t think she will ever forgive me. So, yes… I am not “one of the sweetest guys”. I may have thought that I was, but I was wrong. Sweet guys don’t attack those that they love.
Only one other shame I feel. For three years, I have been “great”. In other words, three years of good deeds and good impressions. Three years of caring, loving, and sacrificing. Three sincere years! I wasn’t trying to make myself look good! These people saw me for what I was. I didn’t make them think I was infallible! I am I!!!! But… One hour of insanity. ONE HOUR!!!! Everything is different. I am no longer “great”. I am horrible. TAKE THIS TO YOUR COLLEGE MATH CLASSES!
Step one: Three years = 1,095 days = 26,280 hours.
Step two: 26,280 hours × “great”
Step three: 1 hour
Step four: 1 hour × horrible
Here’s the strange part: 26,280 hours × “great” < 1 hour × horrible
So strange, isn’t it? 26,280 is a really big number. 1 is a really small number. But it doesn’t matter. That one hour of being a bad person made me a bad person. That is what I am now. That one hour, which I can’t remember, has changed my life forever. I’ve lost everything because of one hour. And there is nothing I can do about it. Remember this, and take it will you forever. No matter how good you are. No matter how hard you try. One fallen hour will destroy you. You must remain perfect! Never make a mistake! If you do, you’ll lose more than you can even handle.
Looking back on that mathematical conclusion. Look at it with variables.
26,280G < 1H
Do you know math? If you do, then you know that G is an extremely SMALL thing, and H is an extremely LARGE thing. Back to reality. G (great) is nothing. G is insignificant. Who cares if you’re great?! But H (horrible) is huge! Unignoreable! If I learn anything from this, it is negative. It doesn’t matter how good I am. Good is so small that it doesn’t matter. No matter how hard I try to be good, it doesn’t matter. Just a second of H, and I lose. I can strive to be completely perfect, but what will that give me? Being good has given me nothing. There is no reward for my good deeds. Because eventually, one little H will take all my good away. Why should I try to be good anymore?
Simple answer… God wants me to have as much G as possible, and as little H as possible. Even though I’ll never be about to equal out. I will never be have more good than bad, God sees my effort. He will forgive. I have not tried to be good for people, but God. When I make a mistake, He forgives. With Christ, H is nothing. I love God for his mercy, but my life here has turned around completely. I will never be forgiven by men. If there were no God, I would never try to be good at all.
To me, my life has ended. I have lost everything I hold dear. God keeps me here. I don’t know why, but I am not supposed to know why.
I want forgiveness. I want to be “great” again. I want to continue the life I’ve wanted. But that one hour. I can’t remember it. It changed everything. Took away all my power to control my own life. It is in her hands now. I can do nothing.
Humility is not something natural to me. Although, I see myself on the same level as any other man, I have difficulty expressing that this is how I feel. But here is my humility. Here is my heart. I am nothing. There is no good in me. There never has been. There is no good in any men. There never has been. And certainly not in me. I’ve tried. But I’ve failed. My will is stronger than my mind. When my mind falls, I have no control over myself. This instance of being insensitive has punished me beyond my own belief. At 6:00PM on Saturday, I had a girlfriend whom I planned to marry and who loved me. I don’t remember anything in between. At 9:00PM on Saturday, I became alone. I have two orphans made of platinum. Will they ever have a home? I don’t know. Its no longer up to me. I must close…