Trying Times

Many of you have no idea that I am extremely despondent now. How would you? I keep my personal life so locked that most would never know it. So, I guess now is a good time to reveal. I was nearly engaged just a little while back. Strange huh? Most of you probably never thought I would consider marriage. Anyway, I have rings and everything. Saturday, everything changed. I know you want details, because everyone else has wanted details from me. I want details too. I have little memory of Saturday. I remember calling, and I remember breaking my phone. I can’t remember anything in between. Every time I try to think about what happened, I get really nauseous and nebulous. Although I have a pretty good idea about what happened, I don’t know exactly who said what or anything specific. I remember breaking my phone and wailing on the floor. I remember going to my dad. I remember calling Robert, saying little to him, and then he came for me. I remember her calling back before Robert arrived for me. After that, I went with Robert, and I visited Karen. I think I got home a bit after 2:00AM. I didn’t go to church Sunday. I was basically sick that morning. Whenever I tried to get up, I’d fall soon after. I don’t think I did anything Sunday. Monday, I went to class and then work. I was quite frail. Walking for long periods of time became very difficult. Ryley and Jessi called around 4:30 or so and told me that they were coming for me. I told them that I didn’t want to go out, but they didn’t listen. They came anyway. I saw Robert at his photo center, and we met up with him later to go out to eat. Somehow or another, I ended up going to Robert’s bible study and I got home around 1:00AM or so. Tuesday, I visited Katie for a little while, then I went to Robert’s and ate there. Well, I don’t know what to do. In retrospect, I believe that I had a nervous breakdown. This would explain why I am so weak and account for my loss of memory. It is interesting how tied together the psyche is with the physical. Although nothing has changed physically, I am not digesting food properly. As a result, I am not getting much energy from my food. As time goes by, I get better. It is getting easier to move around and eat, but I still can’t remember anything. I don’t know how permanent anything is. In addition to being heartbroken and lonely, I don’t know what to do about my rings. It seems so cold to me to get rid of them. Even if I wanted to, I seem to have limited options at this point, as I have already made payments. I don’t know what to do about her. I know that if I tell her that I have no memory, she’ll probably just call me a J.A. and a liar. I just want things to be forgiven and things to be happy again. Since nothing seems to matter anymore, you can see the rings here. Thanks to all my friends who have comforted me. I’ve once again gotten things into perspective, and I know who my real friends are again. I’ve replaced my phone, but some things can never be replaced. To be honest, I don’t care what happened. I just want to know that we’re okay and that the life I want is still possible with her. If this is permanent, I don’t know what I’ll do. I miss her, and it will be devastating for me if she moves along.